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The Airlines
Our Favorite Pilot

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.  Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...


All too rarely

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane

5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

"There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one yet knows what they are."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.

15. Overheard on an American flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

"It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Ma'am, said the pilot. What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

"Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! ----- Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.