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Cops have a sense of humor

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Speeding

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:   Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer:   Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman:   Oh, I see.

Officer:   Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer:   Don't have one?

Older Woman:   Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman:   I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman:   I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman:   Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer:   You what?

Older Woman:   His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:   Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman:   Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2:   One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman:   Murdered the owner?

Officer 2:   Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:   Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman:   Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2:   One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:   Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman:   Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies