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Why you should never take a man with you when shopping at Wal-Mart!

Dear Mrs. Sutherland,

Over the past six months, your husband, Sut, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Sutherland have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department



Re: Mr.Sutherland--Complaints--15 Things Mr. Sutherland has done while his wife Judi is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION--WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Two men

Two men, one age 80 and one age 87, were sitting on a park bench. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

Soooo, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?", she replied. He told her, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness! Five loaves? Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me".

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you  want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

An old Italian Mafia "Don"

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say, "Times up?"

An East Texas Country Boy

An East Texas country boy sees a sign in the restaurant reading,

"Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer."

"Lord almighty!" he says to himself, "My three favorite things."

Marriage changes passion.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." (I UNDERSTAND THIS ONE)

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.