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Ain't this the truth!

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want"

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A fleeing Taliban

A fleeing Taliban was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me.  Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $150.  This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot!  I do not need an overpriced tie.  I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man.  "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie.  I will show you that you have not offended me.  If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.  Go!  Walk that way!  The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jewish man said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill.  Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab.  "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"



British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.  He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stops at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences, but no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...  NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.  He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.  As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."  "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".  He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.  "In there," points the Bobbie.  "Whiz away, anywhere you want."  The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.  Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.  Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.  As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you.  Is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is what we call the French Embassy".


The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.  She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said.  "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or  less.  And my birthday is coming up.  You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

Only in Idaho!

(Was) currently on the front page of

Lights out on Blue Lakes
TWIN FALLS -- About 6,500 people were without power today and a significant number of traffic lights were knocked out on Blue Lakes Boulevard North, Washington Street and surrounding areas.

"We have a squirrel ... or a dead squirrel," said Russ Jones, Idaho Power spokesman.

Dave's Night Out

Dave works hard at the Plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his Birthday she takes him to a local Strip Club.

The Doorman at the Club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this Club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my basketball team."

When they are seated, a Waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A Stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the Club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a Cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The Cabby turns his head and says, "Jeez Dave, you picked up a real Bitch tonight!"

Did you hear about the thief in Paris?

Did you hear about the thief in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Ford Econoline van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that. ...


While you're taking my mailbox, let me give you a piece of my mind,  I don't know what's up with me lately. I seem to be going out of my way to annoy people. I like to think of myself as a genial fellow who does not set out to harass and provoke without good cause, but either we live in increasingly testy times or my personality is deteriorating.

It began with the mailbox. I live in a part of the country where all of the mailboxes are on posts near the heads of driveways, about a hundred feet from the houses. Over the years, my friends and neighbors have used mailboxes as convenient drop-off spots. Someone driving to work in the morning will pause and insert a birthday card, a letter, a paperback, the gloves my wife left after a recent Saturday-night dinner party.

Not long ago I left the outgoing mail in my box for the new mailman to pick up, then walked to my neighbor's mailbox and left a letter for him. The next day my letter was back in my box with a note from the post office: "Insufficient postage." I called the post office and got hold of a functionary there.

"Your note was in error," I told him. "It wasn't insufficient postage, it was no postage."

"So you forgot to put a stamp on," he said. "Put a stamp on and we'll deliver it for you."

"I did not forget to put a stamp on," I said. "I had no intention of putting a stamp on. There was no need."

"You want your mail delivered, you got to use a stamp."

"No, look," I said. "This is my next-door neighbor. I can hit his mailbox with a tennis ball from where I sit. I saw no need to trouble you guys; I didn't want you to get involved."

"You can't deliver mail. That's our job, delivering the mail."

"Wait a minute," I said. "My neighbor asked me to write that letter and put it in his box."

"He's not allowed to say that to you."


"It's not his mailbox. It's our mailbox. We're the only ones who can put anything in it."

As luck would have it, my mailbox was totally destroyed three days later, as were several others in the area. This happens once or twice a year to various households and usually the culprits are destruction-deprived teens.

I called my friend at the post office.

"Listen," I said, "a mailbox at 31 Crown Lane was smashed to bits last night and needs to be replaced."

"Sorry to hear it," he replied. "Better get another one up fast. We can't deliver mail if there's no box."

"No, it's not my box, it's your box. Your box was destroyed, so you have to replace it."

Silence, then: "Is this that same guy?"

"Yes it is," I said. "Are you going to give me a new box?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"So three days ago it was your box. Now that it's been smashed, it's my box. C'mon, it's got to be one or the other. You want me to run out to a store, buy a box, get it back on the post somehow, paint it nice and pretty, put a number on it, and when it's all ready to use, then it becomes your box."

"You got it," he said.

Later, after I talked to a supervisor at the post office, I found my wife and told her, "Know what? That guy was right and I was wrong. The inside of the mailbox does belong to them." My wife, who has other concerns, asked me to help her find a garden trowel.

Later I went down to the hardware store on Main Street to buy a mailbox and got into a bit of a dustup with a cop about some new "smart" parking meters our town is trying out. These meters are computerized and have heat and motion detectors that enable them to sense when a car has vacated a space. The meter then resets itself back to zero. Nobody gets free time from the new meters.

"You mean," I said to the cop, "that I'm required to put in a quarter for a half-hour, but if I only need two minutes to buy a magazine, I can't donate the other 28 minutes to another driver?"

"You got it," he said.

"But I've bought that time, it's my time. The town can't sell the same time twice. I can do what I want with it."

"We make the rules, you don't make the rules."

"Let's say I go to a bar and buy a beer. I pay for it. Now I own that beer. A pal comes in, and for some reason I'm suddenly not thirsty anymore. I offer my beer to my pal. Can the bartender grab it back and sell it to somebody else?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," the cop replied. "Now please get away from me."

"Do you have a brother who works in the post office?"

The cop looked so grim that I decided to take his advice and leave. I even forgot to buy the mailbox.

Late that afternoon I was on the phone to a local hospital administrator, trying to get to the bottom of why they add a 6 percent sales tax and an 11 percent gross earnings tax, whatever that is, to the bills of hospital patients. It was a very unsatisfactory conversation, and we will not be friends.

I hung up and told my wife I thought sick taxes are almost as bad as death taxes. "A person works hard all his life, pays his taxes, manages to save a little. Then he dies and the government says, 'Oh, Jones died? What did he have left? We'll just take a nice chunk of that.'" I fixed myself a drink and said, "I'd like to call up and complain, but I don't know who to complain to."

"Good," said my wife.

Originally published in the September 1996 issue of Smithsonian. All rights reserved.


Today's Ebonic word from the Newark NJ Public School System
Let's  use it in a sentence:

"I  should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one  slide."

Gotta Love this Lawyer

it's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):"

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Only in Louisiana.

The Gift

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued ... "May I ask what the turkey did?"


Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Red Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it

but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

This little story reminds me of the time I was on the freeway and looking for the off-ramp for Sunova Beach.

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it Screaming; she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.  Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
……...One button at a time.
...........No one moves.
...........He removes his shirt.
...........Muscles ripple across his chest.
...........She gasps...
...........He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat.

Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"


Joe forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds,AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Joe got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window,

And sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Joe is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Learning To Cuss.

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotless clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the two aspirin and notices a note on the table that reads, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, left early to go shopping. Love You!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there sits a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

Norske Firefighters: Bless Them

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.   They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."   But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.   As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.   To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.   Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with  all  that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vedo is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck

Not Restricted to this Congress by any Means!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says...

"Training for position in United States Congress:  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Now this is DRUNK!!!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks-"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Ole, Lars and Sven

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights' stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said, "Uff da, I had dat spaghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said, "Lena was so happy vhe n I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey vere sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper!"

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep at the edge of a  country road. A brand new Cadillac Escalade screeches to a halt next to him.  The driver, a young man dressed in a Briani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban  sunglasses, Jovial Swiss wrist watch, and a Bhs tie gets out and asks the  shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of  them?"

 The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sprawling field of  sheep and says, "Okay."

 The young man parks the SUV, connects his notebook and wireless modem,  enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60  Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report on his  high tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have  exactly 1,586 sheep here."

 The shepherd answers, "That's correct! You can have your sheep."

 The young man takes one of the animals and puts it in the back of his  vehicle. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "Now, if I guess your  profession, will you pay me back in kind?"

 The young man answers, "Sure."

 The shepherd says, "You are a consultant."

 "Exactly! How did you know?" asks the young man.

 "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being  called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.  Third, you don't understand anything about my business - and I'd really like  to have my dog back."

Potentially vs. Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?

"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied, "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million dollars but realistically, we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

Prison VS. Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, This should make things a bit more clear....

IN spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN get three meals a day.
AT only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN get time off for good behaviour.
AT get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN can watch TV and play games.
AT get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Read it with an accent.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over   her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

The Cheese Wheel

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see a black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet! Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message..... as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling...............


The cycle of life is all backwards....

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off with an orgasm.

The Italian Mother

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry.

The mother agrees.  The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.   

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."    

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Italian mother replies "I don't like her".

Man Of The House

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he aid, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.Then,  after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess  who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things like family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So ... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about.

The Schnauzer

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her:

"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

The year is 2222

Ed and Dolores land on Mars after accumulating Enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are Talking about all sorts of things.  Ed asks if Mars has a stock Market, if they have computers, how they make money, what the golf Courses are like and things of that sort.

Finally, Dolores brings up the subject of sex,  "Just how do you guys Do it?"  The Martians respond, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners For the night and experience one another. Dolores and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He's got only A teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a Quarter-inch thick.  >"Whoa," says Dolores, "I'm not used to anything that big." "Hey, Baby, wait a minute, check this out!!" says the Martian and he Proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his Forehead, his member grows until it's quite long.   >"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still arrow."  >"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and ider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate Love.  The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their Separate ways.  As they walked along, Ed asks, "Well, was it any Good?"   "I hate to say it," says Dolores, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"  "It was horrible," he replies. All I got was a headache. She kept Slapping my forehead and pulling my ears all night long."

There are two statues in a park

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

"He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

he asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."


Three strangers

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is a Sioux Indian from Lame Deer.
Another is a Texas Cowboy on his way to Billings for a rodeo.
The third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a table and tips his sweat-stained hat over his face.

After a long silence, the Indian clears his throat and speaks, "At one time, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a comin'."

This was too cute to pass up!!!

Woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.  You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."




COWS:  Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?  And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,""Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians --  it creates a hostile work environment.

Tickets for the Train

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!


Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Some Cute Jokes

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody Gonna Lose A Trailer


Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.

Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?